Things I Won't Promise You

The doula world makes a lot of promises. Some of them are a bit much.

So let's start with what I won't promise. I'd rather you hear it now than find out at 3 a.m.

I won't promise you a specific birth.

Not a certain outcome. Not an unmedicated birth. Not a birth that follows the plan.

I can't, and neither can anyone else. Anyone promising you a particular birth is promising something they don't control.

What I can do is help you get ready for the birth you're hoping for, and for the ones you aren't, so that whatever happens, you're not meeting it cold.

I won't make you stick to your birth plan.

We'll go through your preferences at our prenatal visits, and you'll get a printed sheet to keep.

But it's a starting point, not a rulebook. If you planned on no epidural and at hour fourteen you want one, I'm not going to read back to you what you wrote in September. You're allowed to change your mind. That isn't failing the plan. That's using it.

I won't answer every message instantly.

Non-urgent messages get a reply between 10 a.m. and 7 p.m. Send me something at 11 p.m. and you'll hear back the next day.

Labour or anything urgent? Call. Once I'm on call for you, from 37 weeks, urgent doesn't wait for business hours.

This isn't me being precious about my evenings. It's how I make sure I'm worth calling when it counts.

Which brings me to a story.

The time I had nothing left

Early in my career, I joined a client very early in labour.

Thirty hours awake. Twenty hours of in-person support. And right when she needed me most, I had nothing left to give.

She was lovely about it. Very empathetic. And that was exactly the problem.

The person in labour was taking care of me.

After a birth, the empathy is supposed to flow toward the person who just gave birth. That day it was flowing the wrong way, and I've never been comfortable with it.

What changed

I got better at timing: knowing when to join in labour, instead of showing up as early as possible to prove I care.

I got better at breaks, too. How to step away, recharge, and come back without leaving you feeling unsupported while I'm gone.

Rest is part of the job. A tired doula isn't a more dedicated doula. She's just tired.

What I will promise

Steady, grounded support.

After nine years, not much shocks me. Long labours, fast labours, plans that go sideways, rooms that suddenly get very busy. I've seen them.

Panic is not a word that follows my name. My energy isn't built that way.

When things get loud, I stay steady. When you can't find your words, I'll help you find them. When you have a question, I'll make sure there's room to ask it.

I can't promise how your birth will go.

I can promise how I'll show up for it.